About tomorrow’s appointment

I have an appointment at the breast clinic tomorrow.

I have done so well over the last 2 weeks at staying positive and keeping things in perspective I think.

Now, I have mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am relieved the appointment came through and I did not have to chase it up. I was planning to do that tomorrow but knew there was great potential for me to bottle it. The appointment letter arrived yesterday so now it is all about attending the appointment rather than making sure I get one.

Now it is so close, I have just started to feel a little panic-stricken. In any new situation, I worry about getting things right, so I have those sort of nerves. I am wondering if I should wear a bra at all or whether I should go an buy a new one tomorrow. As if any of that really matters in the grand scheme of things.

Then there are the boobs themselves. I don’t look at other women’s boobs very often but have always thought mine a bit strange around the nipple area. My “well-travelled” husband says this is not the case but we get daft ideas about ourselves that stick sometimes.

I am not really sure what they are going to do tomorrow to me. I think my breasts get squashed at some point. That sounds like a blast, not!

There is the big worry too of course and that makes me have to think like a grown-up which I never manage particularly well.

I feel a bit guilty because as yet, this is not anything but something to be investigated and I know there are real women out there battling that disease everyone runs away from talking about.

Blogging helps calm me down though when I am emotional so hoping I will be forgiven for this post.

Nobody has to read it – it is for me really.

There is a bit of me that enjoys any drama weirdly. So many thoughts and feelings.

1. Hoping for just 10 years so I can see the children looked after and grown-up
2. Wishing I had not had such a little life and that I had contributed more
3. Wondering why I have always been such a scaredy-cat
4. Knowing some of the things that would go on my bucket list including a lunch with someone and a visit to see my half-sisters in Ireland not to mention learning to tap dance and writing that best-selling novel.
5. Being pleased Mum and Dad are dead as they would worry about all this
6. Realising how blessed I am despite my constant moans
7. Amazed and very touched at all the messages of support
8. Feeling a sudden need to push loved ones away. Stupid and self-defeating behaviour.
9. Wondering what blog post title will announce the results of the investigations – As I said, ever the writer and drama queen.

Meanwhile, I think the roast is burning a bit, the school uniform needs taking out of the drier and the big result I am waiting for is the X Factor one.

There – I feel better already.


9 thoughts on “About tomorrow’s appointment

  1. Just wishing you good luck. I used to worry about getting my bikini line waxed every time I needed a d&c after a miscarriage. I think it’s the brain protecting us from the bigger picture and that’s not a bad thing. You will go to the appointment looking for anecdotes to write about to distract yourself, and that’s not a bad thing either. You are a very groovy mum with a very groovy way of looking at life and looking at life is what you are doing. Whatever the what is here you are still you, and you always will be. You will deal with everything in your own way and with your amazing perspective. You have done more in your life than you give yourself credit for and will continue to do so.

    P.s. I’ll teach you to tap dance! Xx

  2. I would wear the purple faux fur leopard print bra at the bottom of your knicker drawer Kate 😉

    Seriously, a local friend has just been through similar and was pleased to report last night that it was an infection in a cyst in her breast. The treatment is strong antibiotics.

    I am worried too, but clinging to that story and if it is not then that bridge will be crossed with many who love you right behind you for support. Wishing you the best tomorrow. Much love

  3. Thinking of you Kate. My mum had a mammogram a week ago she has the results in two weeks she has then regular after promising my aunt her sister who had a mastectomy more than ten years ago. The process is unconfortable, wear (or not wear!) what you feel comfortable wearing, continue to be positive if you can’t I’ve got loads of good thoughts and positity heading your way! Xx

  4. Glad you’ve blogged it out and will be thinking of you tomorrow.
    You’ve done the right thing by getting it checked out and hopefully it’s benign/a cyst/an infection but if it’s not then you have a lot of support and positivity to help you x

  5. I wished I’d read this yesterday. You can wear what you like as no-one will see it. Have to take it all off & put gown on. I could have told you not to wear deodorant but they will prob have wipes in the cubicle to remove it.

  6. I’ve come to this post late as we were away. It’s amazing the disparate (not desperate) things that go through our minds in unsettling times. I hope things went well and that you now have some answers. Please let us know what’s happening. Lots of love xxx.

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