One month on

It somehow seems wrong not to acknowledge that it is one month since my Dad died.

Of course, we have done the funeral and the ashes ceremony.  There don’t seem to be any rituals for what to do one month on.  In weeks or months, the 23rd will just be another day of the month.  Life goes on.  It has to and it should.

I sense I am turning a corner in the grief stakes.  I am better at going out on my own and it seems a long time since I had to rush home or to somewhere with a seat when attacked by overwhelming emotions whilst out and about.  Sometimes I even feel guilty at how well I am doing.  I don’t want anyone thinking Dad does not matter but he would be the first to say to get on with things and to be happy.

There are little signs that all is not well still.  I could not use a bowl the other day because it is one I bought for Dad.  It cost me very little but was a deep soup bowl that he loved.  I can’t quite bring myself to buy chocolate eclairs yet as we used to get two and have a sneaky treat when the other family members were out and about.

Then there are those heart-wrenching moments when your children do well and you want to rush and tell Dad.  Emailing a old friend today, it felt odd to not mention what Dad was up to.  I almost started the sentence “As for Dad …” and then remembered.

We go to Butlins next week and Dad was there when he did his naval training.  I thought I would be returning home to tell him just how much it had changed.  Not anymore.

There is no clever conclusion to this post except perhaps to say that things are easing and that the passage of time does help.

4 thoughts on “One month on

  1. It must be very hard.

    I haven’t lost any of my parents yet but my Dad hasn’t been well for over a year. I live away from my family and can’t visit him when I like. I have only saw him once in the past two-three months and he has been in hospital for ages so I can never phone and speak to him, plus he is too confused to talk. I miss our chats that we have on the phone so I can kind of understand how you feel.

    If you need to chat at all then let me know. Hugs x

  2. It’s always the little things isn’t it that get you. I ignored the 12th October as it was my “month”. I just functioned through the day and welcomed the 13th as I didn’t know what else to do

  3. I hope you are ok. It is so evident your dad was a very very well loved man and he is lucky to have had a daughter like you. A lot of people don’t have this, sadly. Those little moments carry the most love. That’s how you’ll always love him even when the grief passes. Xx

  4. Sounds like you are coping really well, the best you can do – and that certainly doesn’t mean ‘all smiles’. What you are doing feels really important – acknowledging your reactions to those important details that will still pull at your heart – like when your children do well and you still want to tell your dad. Best wishes. X.

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